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Dec. 16th, 2009 @ 11:52 am On Behalf of All of Us....
This is going in the mail today.



Senator Joseph Leiberman
705 Hart Office Building
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Leiberman:

I’m writing on behalf of the overwhelming majority of the American people, who’s tax dollars pay your salary, so make sure you read this letter to the end, you bitter old worm. I guess you’ve managed to hang onto that Senate seat long enough to forget the reason why you’re sitting there, so let me start this off with a reminder. You’re there to serve the best interests of the American people, millions of whom cannot afford to go to the doctor. Often, as a consequence of this, they get sicker and sicker, until they die. That’s about as plain as I can put it. I’m sure wherever it is that you live, you have those people kept walled off at a safe distance away from you, but rest assured, we’re out there.


Now let’s briefly cover what your position in the Senate is not. It is not a platform for you to childishly air out whatever grievances you have with the Democratic Party, at the expense of the health of millions of Americans. This sort of nonsense has no place in governance, and if the Founding Fathers were witness to it, I can’t even begin to imagine how they might react. I can think of nothing more repellant than an old man behaving like a chastened schoolboy, seeking revenge for being left out of the Kool Kidz Klub in 2006, but safe from the consequences that would await an actual schoolboy behaving in this fashion. My recommendation to Senator Reid, and the rest of the Democratic caucus whose progress on much needed reform is being impeded by this nonsense out of you, is that your consequences fit your behavior: You should be dipped in the toilet, shoved in a garbage can, and your underwear run up the flagpole.

Sincerely,

Vern
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Dec. 14th, 2009 @ 04:43 pm Dispatch from the Land of Third Grade Humor!
Here's something that cracked me up: A gas station that we stopped at on the way back from a show we played in Hickory had these chips for sale:




No other product in recent memory more convincingly describes, through a combination of brand and product name, what I'm certain would be the gastrointestinal impact of consuming it. What made it even more amusing was that Sean misread the label on a bag of "Spicy Ranch" chips that was on the rack next to the Red Hot Rumble, thinking instead that they were called "Spicy Rain". Which would of course, accurately provide a description of what would be happening in the bathroom shortly after the Red Hot Rumble commenced.
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Dec. 8th, 2009 @ 02:59 pm White People Are So Great!
You know what I can't wait to go see? "The Blind Side"! From what I can glean by watching the trailers, here's what it's about: A big, poor, dumb black kid who is rescued from a life of crime on the streets by smart, caring white people. The smart, caring white people, under the guidance of Sandra Bullock, steer the big, poor, dumb black kid into the venue where he's most likely to succeed: football! Operating within his comfort zone at last, he achieves levels of success the likes of which he never imagined possible. If only every black kid had caring white people to show them the way.

The movie looks like it's a national box office smash, and I know it's hit its mark in Chapel Hill. I was at the gym last weekend, and there at the front desk was a paunchy, middle aged white Weaver Street Market type, explaining the plot line of the movie to the Linebacker Sized black guy working behind the desk. I missed the beginning of the conversation, and I can't even begin to imagine how it got started. "Hey, do you know who you look like?" The Weaver Street guy's demeanor suggested that he was already sort of wishing that he hadn't started the conversation, and the guy behind the desk was patiently, wordlessly waiting for him to reach the conclusion of his plot summary. "So anyway.... it's a touching story!" he finally submitted, and, red faced, bolted out the door.

Ye gods.


BONUS PREDICTION OF THE FUTURE (FOR FAN CLUB MEMBERS ONLY!)


Before I conclude this little blog entry, you guys aren't even going to believe this, but I'm going to predict the future! You didn't know I could do this, but are you ready? Here's what the comment thread is going to look like!

Jordon: I'm glad to see Vern is still criticizing and putting down movies he's never seen! This movie is actually a beautiful and touching story of inner city poverty. I haven't cried so hard since I saw the "Crash / Hustle and Flow" Double Feature.

Vern: You're right. Thanks for setting me straight!
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